Random thought about losing connection with someone you care about

Have you ever been so close to someone that when you lost contact with them it hurt? Yesterday in church we had a great testimony and then Pastor Wil gave a great sermon as he always does. I sat there and I started thinking how much I miss the family who started me going back to church. Sure I grew up going to church and then when my grandpa got really sick we started going only on the Holidays. Back in high school I had a friend who told me all about a High School youth group she went to and I wasn't sure at first about going but she told me that there was a lot of people I knew from school and once she told me that Amanda Dickson and Bailey Brennan were attenders of that youth group I immediately asked my mom if I could go and I got extremely close to all of the High Schoolers in that group. Sure I didn't have to get close to Amanda and Bailey because I went to Elementary, Jr. High, and High School with those two... after all Amanda's mom was one of my 3rd grade teachers. That is when my relationship with Gina Alston and Julie Knudson began. Julie and I even did a bible study at her house in Lompoc and then one day Julie told me they were moving and I was heart-broken. Julie and I emailed each other, we wrote to each other, and we of course talked on the phone. And after Julie moved that is when I started to get to know Karen. Karen was like an adoptive aunt to me. Then one day I moved to Fresno and that is when I lost all connection with Julie and her family. I was so heart-broken that I tried and tried to gain contact with them. The emails I sent kept coming back and I lost her address and her phone number. One day James and I went back to visit the church and this blonde haired lady walked into the church with her husband. I turned to James and told him I think that is Julie and Eric Knudson but as time went on I kept telling myself no it wasn't but then to my surprised I was convinced and yes it was Julie and Eric Knudson. I went over to where they were sitting and I introduced James to them and Julie told James how precious I was and she told him to take good care of me. That was the last time I saw them in person and the last time I talked to them. Just yesterday we started our worship time with Shout to the Lord (thanks Jason)... I was amazed I made it through without tears. I was really missing Karen and then I started to think how we sang that song at Ev Free of Santa Maria and Julie was the one always standing by me as we sang that song. So here is a youtube video to Shout to the Lord: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gn5CMSSAx_c. I have so much to tell Julie... I want her to know how I came to Christ and I want to tell her that James and I have been married for almost 5 years now and I want to tell her all about the Woman Studies I have been in and I want Julie to know about some of the trials I have been through and I want Julie to know all about the church I go to now and how much I love it. I pray that one day I gain complete contact with Julie again.

     Me with Julie, Eric, Elise, and Emily Knudson on their last day at EV Free of Santa Maria

                          Emily and Elise in the Nursery at Ev Free of Santa Maria

                                                           The Knudson's

2014 Three Rivers Jazzaffair

This year James and I decided that we were gonna give up the Monterey Jazz festival that we go to in March for a different jazz festival. This year James and I decided we wanted to try out the Three Rivers Jazzaffair. Yes it is a smaller festival but there honestly is nothing like listening to jazz while looking at God's creations and while staring at the mountains. Mammoth is another festival that is great but the drive is way too long and you have to go through Yosemite to get to Mammoth. Three Rivers we just took highways and we were able to drive through cities. The drive was beautiful. On Friday April 11th James and I left Fresno somewhere around 8:30 am or so. We stayed in the Motel 6 in Visalia and we got there and checked in by 9:42 am. We were lucky for the staff to work with us. We put reservations in for a king size non-smoking bedroom but when we got to the hotel there was not a room ready so we were told there was queen room ready. The staff thought it was non- smoking room but only the queen smoking room was ready so we took that room since we were headed up to Three Rivers. All we did was we turned on the fan and we sprayed all kinds of body spray in the room to make it smell good. After we unpacked the car we left for Three Rivers. We ended up in Three Rivers by like 10:30 am to 11 am. We stopped at St. Anthony's Retreat and we were able to walk around outside for a bit and we were able to hang out with Howard Miyata and his wife Susan Miyata. Both Howard and Susan have known me since I was nine. Then James and I walked around the sanctuary at St. Anthony's Retreat and then we got to hanging out with Joyce Oakes for awhile as well. Then at 2:45 pm James and I went to work and we sold cds at St. Anthony's Retreat for Ivory and Gold. During this set I was interviewed for the Visalia newspaper... I got the reporter's eye because I was so young. James and I then headed to the Lion's Arena and sold cds for Blue Street Jazz Band. After that set we walked with Sherri and the rest of the band to the hospitality room and we hung out with Blue Street for a bit. Then at 6:30 pm we went back to Saint Anthony's Retreat where we sold cds for Blue Street again. After that set we went up the mountain a bit and we ate dinner at The Gateway. It was such a nice and romantic dinner. We ended up eating on the patio so we listened to the band that was playing and we listened to the river flowing. After dinner we drove down to the Memorial Building Tent and we watched High Street Jazz Band. On Saturday April 12th  James and I arrived in Three Rivers at 8:30 am and we had breakfast at We Three. We Three was a great breakfast place and we were able to have breakfast with one of the volunteers we know from all the other jazz festivals and he was the one that bought our breakfast. You got to love Dewey. At 10 am James and I went to the Memorial Building and we watched Jeff Barnhart's Fats Waller (in song and story) set. And then after that set we walked down to the Memorial Building Tent and we stayed there for three sets. At 11:15 am we watched High Street Jazz Band with Bob Draga and that was one great set and then at 12:30 pm we watched Wally's Warehouse Waifs and then at 1:45 pm we watched Titan Hot Seven. At 3 pm we walked back up to the Memorial Building and sold cds for Blue Street. After that set was over I gave my adoptive niece (my mentor's daughter) her birthday gift which was a singing elephant. She loved that thing. When we showed her how to turn it on she smiled and then while we were waiting at the Memorial Building Tent for Blue Street's set she started dancing with this elephant I got her. I loved that she loved the gift and I wanted to cry when I saw her dancing with the elephant. While we were waiting for Blue Street's set to start we watched Cornet Chop Suey a bit (even if it was outside that we were standing) and that is when my mentor's baby sister and  took a selfie for facebook and then at 5:30 pm we started selling cds for Blue Street and James and I danced to our wedding song (Now Baby or Never). At the end of that set I gave my mentor's daughter a piggy back ride to her car. She loved that as well. At first she wasn't holding on so her auntie took her off of my back and she ran in front of me looked at me and said more. So she got back on my back and that is when I gave her a piggy back ride to her car. After that set we headed down to the Lion's Arena and we ate dinner with Blue Street and then at 8 pm Blue Street played with Bob Draga as a guest artist.  Then Sunday April 13th James and I drove to Three Rivers and we had coffee and breakfast at Antoinette's Coffee and Goodies. Then we ended up getting lost just by walking and looking around at the museum. Then at 10:15 we went to the Memorial Building and sold cds for Blue Street. At 11:45 am we walked down to the Memorial Building Tent and we sold cds for Ivory and Gold. After that set we ended up talking to Jeff and Anne Barnhart for a little bit and then at 1 pm we went to the Lions arena and sold cds for Blue Street. After Blue Street ended we walked to the hospitality room with Pieter Meijers and we ended up talking to him for a bit. Then James and I started our exploring. We ended up going to Reimer's Candies and gift shop and we had their homemade ice cream and we went to Village Antiques and looked around. We also looked at the lake. I ended up taking 265 pictures and some videos as well. I had many highlights this festival and they were hanging out with Blue Street, giving my mentor's daughter her birthday gift and a piggy back ride, having dinner at The Gateway, eating breakfast at We Three, having Reimer's Candies homemade ice cream, taking a picture with the twins (Carol was on a stick), talking to Danny Coots, hanging out with Joyce, Howard, and Susan, getting all the cds and dvds I got from the bands, and hanging out (well sort of) with High Street. I know that James and I will defiantly be going back next year.

                                       
                                The view we had as we drove up to Three Rivers

                      Stacey and I waiting for Blue Street to start (She took this selfie of us... I just cropped it)


James and I with the twins, Carol and Mary! Mary is on the stick! She did the same thing with Carol in Fresno because Carol was in Hawaii during that festival.

Me at the museum in Three Rivers

James and I at Reimer's Candies and gift shop

Exploring at the lake

2014 update

Okay so I just now realized that it has been since October of last year since I wrote a blog. I have been very busy with work, church, and a wonderful woman's bible study. Anyways, Thanksgiving was not exactly the same for me. I found out that a really good friend of mine was sick in ICU for many weeks. Then on December 5th, I found out she had cancer. I was very heart broken at that time and I prayed every night for my friend. At one point my friend was out of ICU and was ready to start chemo and then a few weeks later she was back into ICU and she wasn't doing very well at all. This friend of mine passed away on Christmas Eve and it was really hard for me to loose her. I just can't imagine how hard it was for her family to loose her. I had lots of prayers and lots of shoulders to lean on and I even read a book by Nancy Guthrie and I started to slowly get better. I went to her memorial on January 25th and that was such a beautiful memorial. The most hardest part for me now is not being able to email, call, or go visit this friend of mine. R.I.P Karen... you are loved and missed. In February James and I went to the Mardi Gras at the Radisson. Friday and Saturday we just sold cds for Blue Street and I got in a few swing dances. Then on Sunday I got to watch my adoptive niece. I enjoyed that so much. On Fat Tuesday James and I decided we were going to have a New Orleans Style dinner so we went to Sequoia Brewing Company. The next thing coming up is on March 19th where I will be giving a testimony on how we lost everything and how I was then and now. I am a bit nervous but I know I will do just fine! :)

Random thought/what is on my mind

Okay so I have a random thought and something that is just on my mind that I want to get off of my mind. So please know that I am not asking for anything except for prayer and please know this is just my thought/opinion nothing more. Everything is fine and there is nothing to worry about… this is just merely me putting the study I am in in application. So here is what is on my mind… today I have decided that it is time to not worry about this government shutdown and what will happen with SSI… God is in control and he will provide so right now, right here, today I am praying this very prayer: 

"Father, I thank you that Your ears are always open to my thoughts and my words. I ask that You would forgive me for worrying and that You would enable me, in Your time, to triumph over my worry. I praise You that You've promised to strengthen me and cause me to be fruitful in my life."
Today I am gonna be joyful and I am gonna continue to be joyful in the Lord because I am very tired of being worried. It is my choice to not worry and be scared. In all things Christ Supreme. 

And here is my random thought: So since July 3rd, 2011 I have changed… it has been a blessing and it has been a good change. I enjoy the change and I enjoy all that God has done for me. I praise God for all of the answer prayers. So right now there are some people who I want to thank for all they have ever done for me. First I want to say thank you to Crystal and Martin for being the tool to help me see the light. I know that God choose the right tools for me and I pray that they are always my tools. I also wanted to thank Susan, Paula, and Karen for always being there for me and helping me see that my learning disability is nothing to get in the way and I can do any study I put my mind to. God has shown me many trials and troubles and he has always shown me that he cares. So it is time to put 1 Peter 5:6-7 which says "Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you" into work and it is time to memorize it. 

Reflection for the day

Have you ever felt like no one is listening to you? I am constantly feeling like that. Don't get me wrong I have a wonderful husband who listens to me all the time even when I am complaining and I have wonderful family who also listens to me and I have wonderful friends who listen to me. However, I feel like some people just don't listen to me. I can say something or give an idea and I feel like I am just shot down with that idea or even with what I just said and I feel like sometimes I just don't exist. It hurts me that I am thinking this way and it is causing me to be sad more then usual. In all honesty I don't want to feel this way and I just want to feel like I am a part of a group and that I am being listened to but I just don't know how to start feeling this way. Just the other day (Thursday 4-11) I was in the woman's bible study (We are study The Lamb of God by Nancy Guthrie) and well my friend and sister in Christ Karen Cook brought up how the first thing Moses heard from the burning bush was his name and then she started to sing He knows my name He knows my every thought, which made me think about my hard times and how God knew my name, he knew what I was thinking and he heard each tear that I shed. It also make me think of the day we sang that at The Harbor and my friend Karen Dill looked at me and told me it was my song. It was my song and I feel that this is still my song! :)

I Have A Maker 

I have a maker
He formed my heart,
before even time began
My life was in his hands

He knows my name
He knows my every thought,
He sees each tear that falls
and hears me when I call

I have a father,
he calls me his own
He'll never leave me,
no matter where I go

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
and hears me when I call

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
and hears me when I call

He knows my name
He knows my every thought
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call
He hears me when I call

It seems that at this time in my walk (and it has almost been 2 years now... July 3rd, 2011) I am seeing that my maker does know my name, he knows what I am thinking and how I feel, he sees each tear I have shed, and he hears me when I call.

The Two Greatest Encouragements Yet

This week has been one of the toughest weeks for me, but I was encouraged in two ways. First my friend's friend sent me an email and she read me a poem called A cushion for your head. By now I am sure you are wondering how did she read you the poem when she sent you an email. Well to answer that question she sent it like a voicemail. This is a great poem and I love that God is telling us to just sit there right now and not do a thing but rest. Resting in God in a time of need is the best feeling ever. I also love that we can use God's words as a cushion for our heads... after all his word is our counselor. This is how the poem goes:

A cushion for your head: 

Just sit there right now
Don’t do a thing
Just rest.

For your separation from God,
From love,

Is the hardest work
In this
World.

Let me bring you trays of food
And something
That you like to
Drink.

You can use my soft words
As a cushion
For your
Head. 

And then the same day I got that email I was on my facebook and I saw this on Sheri Rose Shepherd's page. It says: "When you have no idea what to do and you’re too weak to fight the good fight, just be still and know He is God. Let Him fight for you. All you need to do is stand. What I mean by “stand” is to avoid making any decisions while you’re in the heat of emotion. Instead, take time to seek wise counsel and to allow your heart to calm down. Stand; don’t walk away. God will walk you through this, and when you follow Him, you will find you’re still standing once the crisis has passed.

So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless.
1 Corinthians 15:58"

I hope that both of these encourage you as much as they encouraged me this pass week. I am now much happier in my time of need because I know that God is in control and I know that he won't give us anything that we would not be able to handle. 

Pslam 119

I am often very bad at many things when it comes to studying the word and praying. I promise I am trying to get better. When James and I first moved to Saint Doris Apartments and when we got the dining room table that was my grandpa George's we use to turn off everything and sit at the dining room table with our dinner and pray before we would eat but now we don't even do that. My New Year's resolution is going to be getting better at the things I need to get better at. I wanted just to sit back and reflect on somethings that I learned this week from the woman's bible study. I will be honest with you at first I wasn't sure if I wanted to do this study or not. It looked interesting and I felt I would enjoy it but I didn't want to miss the good old famous Soul Cafe. So as always I got talking to my friend Crystal over email about this bible study and I was still not sure and there were a few reasons why I was not sure. One was the money (for some reason money always stops me when I want to do something) and the other reason was my learning disability (I try not to let this one stop me but it always does). Well, Christ decided to use Crystal as a vessel in my life once again and I was finally convinced. We are now on week 2 of the study and I would have to say I love this study. I am learning a lot about Psalm 119 that I hope I will one day be able to use as a testimony to witness to someone. Yes as I was working on this study I started to get very overwhelmed... It was to the point I was going to be in tears. It is not always easy for me to understand what the bible means or what a question is asking of me with the reading comprehension problem I have. However, I know that even with this learning disability I have made many people proud of me (I wasn't even supposed to pass high school and I proved everyone wrong and I worked my hardest with the greatest mom, the best teacher (Ms. Alexander or as we called her Ms. A), the greatest boyfriend (James) at the time, and the greatest mentor (Sherri) and I made it all the way through a 4 year college with a BS in Child Development). I tried to work on this Psalm 119 study Friday morning but I couldn't think or even get it done so I went back to it on Saturday in the mid- afternoon/ early night and I was still very overwhelmed so I decided to email my friend Crystal and over the phone she helped me understand the passages better. So the things I have learned is that He is near. I know that God is defiantly near because he has shown me ways he is near. Whenever I am depressed God is there and he finds a way to make me feel better (usually it is through an email from Crystal or a message on facebook). I also know he is near because whenever I say a prayer (even if it is in my journal) he answers the prayer within a few days.  I can tell you that I am applying this to my everyday life as well because I am seeking God with all my heart. As most of you know I was saved on July 3rd, 2011 and ever since then I have been changed. Most of you have said you seen the change in me and that makes me smile. :)